If only...

If you only knew how much it tortures me to see you
hear you
in the other room.
Not being able to be with you when you are right there
because you find those things to be more important than me.

I read your old letters today.
Made me cry.
I remember how much you used to love me.
At least you said you did.

I wrote a letter today too.
It was to our baby.
I will always remember how much I love it, and wanted to.
Do you?

fucking fucking games! No me time. fuck you. you get away from this place more than anyone else! Bullshit

damn video games

Why can't he just put down the video game for a bit to just cuddle with me? Every time he is home and has free time he uses it to play a video game. Just fuck... come on.

She forced me to.
The news is out.
Fuck.

Life just got more complicated.
-Mama

There is a difference
between seeing someone all day
and spending time with someone.

If they sit at their computer all day long and don't pay attention to you even though you are sitting next to them that doesn't mean you are spending quality time together.

Fucking miss you telling me you loved me

saying you missed me.

You talk about it like it is as simple and emotional as tieing your shoes.

Killing yourself. You say it is all that is left for you to do, but you are wrong.
You can be an adult, be strong and fix the the problems correctly.

Suicide is for those who are selfish and don't want to take the time and effort to fix their life.
I know.
I've tried.

If things are so bad
then fix them!
Stop saying you can't
and start believing in yourself.

Make your life your own
and be your best.

Stop making someone's best your best.

I love you.

Yesterday went by to quickly.
Your tattoo.
That sushi.
My crying.
That vodka.

I wish I could have changed it.
I wish it could have been real.
A real 1 year.

Falling slowly

You still know me

how I used to be

I know this is a new start, but i am so scared.

I am so eager to get into your head again.

Know you again.

be yours again.

Your girl.

Your Deary.

Your Mrs.

Your love.

I want to hear you say I love you again, like I tell you everyday.

I never stopped. 

Never will.

If you only you could hear my thoughts.

I am so terrible at saying what I want to say.

my thoughts fight each other.

Which one to say first before it is forgotten and never said.

Ramble.

It's all I can do.

But when I try,

my mouth tightens and nothing is said.

All I can give is a timid, pathetic stare to the floor.

Your eyes pierce me ,

and I feel them even more when you lift my chin to meet face to face.

I am fear.

The feeling of slick, ink drenched skin...
Fresh ink,
Fresh art.
Pain for art,
or Art for pain?

I am waiting.
Waiting for a call.
For those 3 words.

Last night was another night I tied to forget you.

9
shots
does
the
trick.

fml

My body feels like it is falling apart.

I feel weak.

I feel numb.

My emotions stuck in overdrive.

My mind spinning.

It's like I am watching myself wreck.

Took a personality disorder test.
How fucked up am I really?
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

haha

Sick of body and mind...

I feel sick in to many ways
for to many days
for to many reason
for bad decisions
for no apparent reasons
with a lack of self ambition
with my falsely stated remission.

Retraining your mind.
It's not easy. It's struggles make me feel insane.
My assumption make me feel crazier.
Which way to I push myself?
Down into the hole my dark mind creates...
                                                                 ... Or into a door I have such trouble opening?
Why does my nature...
                                   ... lead me to insanity?

Did some modeling this weekend! Had sooo much fun! :)

All blue hair!

Great day.... bad night.
Why does he do this?
Such an...
why do I love the guy so fucking much....

New hair!!

Got a new job that lets me dye my hair however I please! Woot!

I love changing my color.

Some kind of impulse control disorder I have.

The little things in life.
The little moments when you need something to make you smile and you realize...
there is so much around you to appreciate.
Not people,
but life.
Like when you can see the sun in one corner of the sky,
and the moon in the other.
amazing

Back from PA.
I feel like I was there for a day, and now that I am back I feel like I have been gone for years.
I am a stranger.
A ghost to this place.
There is no life for me here.
When I am in Pittsburgh, even when I was not with Ken, I felt like I had a life.
I could build myself. A life. A future.
I need to relocate.
If I could, I would runaway with my suitcase and leave this place behind.
Even my family doesn't tie me here.
My strings feel cut.

Tomorrow I head out
I go to PA.
There till the 24th.
So scared to see him. Having to keep myself under control around him scares me.
Can I really do this?
Can I really handle just being....
apart?

Work....
I am a in home care assistant. Just started a couple weeks ago.
Today... such a long day.
Plus a thunder storm/ tornado warning.
Hate storms.

I hate him sometimes. In the end who will be there? Me? Or the people you party with in college for a few hours? The person who promises to love you forever, or college drinking buddies? ... Fuckin hate you sometimes.

Hey there!
So today I was walking to the self check out at Kroger. Just mind'in my own business. *la de da*
And this 14 - 16 year old girl stops in front of me, points at me and says "I love your hair and your style!" XD
Dawwww. I don't mean to come off as egocentric by sharing this experience, but I thought it was adorable.
Made me blush. :)
And something like that happens every time I go into that Kroger. lol
Hope everyone is having an AMAZING day!
<3
Kalekiki

Hello!!!! New.. obviously.... team redundancy team team. XD Friend me... I'm sweet I swear! lol